Today I'm feeling a little blue, so here I am to purge.
School is out, and our schedule is all wacky and non-existent. They say schedules give kids security. Schedules give
me security. Keeping the kids busy and happy all day is a challenge indeed. Feeling sick and exhausted is not helping. The other day I was explaining to Anders that I need to have some quiet time during the day or I'm really grouchy. He said, "Yeah.
Especially when you're having a baby." That was my queue to perk up.
I hate having a messy kitchen. Honestly, I can let other things go, but the kitchen- can't. Since we spend 80% of our lives in the kitchen, it's a mess 80% of the time. Li'l Aani, mess maker extraordinaire, just might bump that statistic up to 95%. It makes me crazy. I feel strongly that I have a right to not have to clean the kitchen more than once a day. With three small kids, one of them being Aani, this is nonsense. But if I spend all my time cleaning the stinking kitchen, what else is going to get done? I was pondering this dilemma when I had an epiphony: I can't do it all. Um, no duh.
SO. Today, I told A1 and A2 that I needed their help. From now on, with a little consistency on my part, they will have daily chores, besides cleaning their rooms and the normal picking up after themselves. After they did their assigned chores, I told them to look on the floor all around the house and I'd give them a penny for every little piece of trash picked up. It was wonderful. The best $1.10 I ever spent. (That's a lot of trash.)
I'm pretty sure that feeling like total poop for the last 8 weeks has left me a little off. It's improving little by little. I still don't feel well, but I get glimpses of my former self often enough that I'm hopeful. Right now I just long to feel good, have the energy to do creative things with my kids, and not be a grouchy mom. Which leads me to this thought (I welcome your opinions and insight, by the way): I'm so thankful that I can have babies. It's amazing and wonderful and a tremendous blessing. But I don't think I can do this again. It has taken a big toll on all of us. We've always agreed about having 4 kids, so I don't know why it's even an issue for me. I guess the finality of the last pregnancy and last baby is a strange and difficult concept on one hand, but on the other it's incredibly freeing and exciting. I s'pose what I need is to feel peaceful about it.
Last but not least, my "too big" pants are no longer too big. A sign of progress, but aesthetically discouraging as I don't look pregnant. Just thicker. Everywhere.
I think I need to pray.