Today I'm feeling a little blue, so here I am to purge.
School is out, and our schedule is all wacky and non-existent. They say schedules give kids security. Schedules give me security. Keeping the kids busy and happy all day is a challenge indeed. Feeling sick and exhausted is not helping. The other day I was explaining to Anders that I need to have some quiet time during the day or I'm really grouchy. He said, "Yeah. Especially when you're having a baby." That was my queue to perk up.
I hate having a messy kitchen. Honestly, I can let other things go, but the kitchen- can't. Since we spend 80% of our lives in the kitchen, it's a mess 80% of the time. Li'l Aani, mess maker extraordinaire, just might bump that statistic up to 95%. It makes me crazy. I feel strongly that I have a right to not have to clean the kitchen more than once a day. With three small kids, one of them being Aani, this is nonsense. But if I spend all my time cleaning the stinking kitchen, what else is going to get done? I was pondering this dilemma when I had an epiphony: I can't do it all. Um, no duh.
SO. Today, I told A1 and A2 that I needed their help. From now on, with a little consistency on my part, they will have daily chores, besides cleaning their rooms and the normal picking up after themselves. After they did their assigned chores, I told them to look on the floor all around the house and I'd give them a penny for every little piece of trash picked up. It was wonderful. The best $1.10 I ever spent. (That's a lot of trash.)
I'm pretty sure that feeling like total poop for the last 8 weeks has left me a little off. It's improving little by little. I still don't feel well, but I get glimpses of my former self often enough that I'm hopeful. Right now I just long to feel good, have the energy to do creative things with my kids, and not be a grouchy mom. Which leads me to this thought (I welcome your opinions and insight, by the way): I'm so thankful that I can have babies. It's amazing and wonderful and a tremendous blessing. But I don't think I can do this again. It has taken a big toll on all of us. We've always agreed about having 4 kids, so I don't know why it's even an issue for me. I guess the finality of the last pregnancy and last baby is a strange and difficult concept on one hand, but on the other it's incredibly freeing and exciting. I s'pose what I need is to feel peaceful about it.
Last but not least, my "too big" pants are no longer too big. A sign of progress, but aesthetically discouraging as I don't look pregnant. Just thicker. Everywhere.
I think I need to pray.
8 comments:
Katrina, I so feel your pain....and I am not prego. I HATE HATE HATE not having a schedule. When Sabrina got done with school a few weeks ago and at the same time Kailey was totally blowing her nap and bed routine, I was sent into a total funk-no it was depression. And on top of all that, I was trying to cope with the realization that in a few short months Brian will be working on his Masters AND working AND working on his Masters and working on his Masters...and I will have a lot more time as solo Mom. That is not a happy thought. And, I feel like all I do is clean up after the children, who, while I am cleaning up, are making another mess. We are working on chores...but it gets challenging. So, just know that you are not in it alone! You are not the only one pulling your hair out! And, if you ever need to vent, you have my number!! Happy vibes your way!
Hang in there Kat!! I wish i lived closer to come help you out. But i think your penny for the trash incentive is brilliant! You have human vacumes, ha ha!
i'm so sorry! i'm glad you are getting A1 & A2 to help where they can, and making it a game or reward makes it fun for them too. and glad to hear that you are getting better—even if it is sporadic, it's something, right?
I am feeling the same way with our schedule and the house!! I got some copies from a friend that are cards and the kids pull a card and do that job. Haven't yet tried it (story of my life) but I will. Luckily it is art city days right now so we've had things to do, next week it will be back to chaos.
As someone who has been there, done that, I can guarantee you can make it to the other side!!! LOL When I was pregnant with #5 I celebrated every last! People would say, “what if you’re not done?” By the end of that pregnancy I knew without a doubt that my family and I could not go through this again! When they carted him off to the NICU, the doctor said, “are you sure you don’t want to wait until we know he’s okay?” Even then in that moment, I knew I could never go through all this again. By the end of the nine months you will know wether you can do it again! Then you will be at peace! <3
Yes, do pray. And take it easy. You have beautiful children. I'm glad they are helping out around the house.
I wish I could help you on the decision making. I am terrible at that and am in the same boat right now. I have absolutely no advice, feeling completely lost myself. But the spirit quielty whispers, little by little and the answers come. Heaven bless your sweet spirit. I just love ya!
I'm sorry to hear you're still feeling so miserable. It's probably good that you're documenting this so in a couple years when you think how much fun it would be to have another little baby, you can go back and read this :) Somehow, we do seem to forget...
Maybe now is not the time to even consider having more babies. Get through this one first! That decision will come later. And you will make the right one. I just know it.
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