Blah. Blech. Ugh.

Hello. I'm in a funk. Not exactly sure what my problem is, but I am indeed in a funk. I've been noticing for awhile now that I've been feeling sort of anti-social, which is weird for me. I don't know if the factors are external or internal. I think when my life is really busy, I turn inward and isolate myself to minimize external stressors. All this does is lead to actual isolation, which isn't great. Anyhoo, October was a really, really nutty month- but I can't remember why now. Huh. But it was, so I think I shut a lot of stuff out, and now here I am... funk and all.

And it's so dark outside. I hate it. After I get Anders & Addie off to school, my day pretty much revolves around Ava napping (and playing ponies with Aani, which is fun for me for about 5 minutes, but she could do for hours. And hours.). When the big kids get home from school, the afternoon is spent with snacks, homework, finding friends to play with, etc. Then it's dinner time and it's DARK, and then the day is over and I want to go to bed at 6:30. So I've had a knot in my stomach all day, and I was folding laundry after dinner, which you should know was pancakes, and I realized I was feeling really anxious and sick to my stomach for no apparent reason. Then I realized that I've been feeling this way, acutely, since the time changed and it gets dark at 5 freaking 30, and I think I have Seasonal Affective Disorder, which I know I've had for some time. But I thought I could just power through it and decide to be fine, so I guess I'm surprised at how affected I actually am. The fact that it's totally involuntary baffles me and makes me want to kick something.

A few weeks ago Nils and I were having a little heart-to-heart about blogging. We were discussing how blogging has changed since we started all those years ago. It started out purely as an online journal which hardly anyone read, then evolved into a way to keep in touch with friends who lived far away. With more people reading, the posts got more entertaining, but less about the mundane or the crappy stuff. And I mean the mundane crappy stuff, not the exciting crappy stuff. Everyone loves exciting crappy stuff. Anyway, then Facebook came to Earth and changed blogging. With a much more instant, interactive interface to keep tabs on people, who needs to blog? But, I've always felt a loyalty to blogging. It's been such a great outlet for me and a way to purge myself and feel supported.

I was telling Nils that I feel less inclined these days to share things on the blog, and I'm not sure why. It's ultimately my loss, because by not blogging, I'm not keeping a record of feelings or events. I don't want to quit, but I'm not sure what my blogging purpose or identity should be. He said something really great. He said, "When I go online, I want to be fed. I want to learn something or read something that will fill me." I've been giving that a lot of thought. I blog to connect with people, to express crazy feelings, share something funny that I want to remember, to commiserate, to remember the mundane and crappy and appreciate it all. So he encouraged me to continue on with blogging and told me that I'm swell and stuff and made me feel better about things. Aw.

After my little laundry folding anxiety episode this evening, I thought I'd post about it- even though I'm not entirely comfortable doing so. But I'm diving back in, in hopes of being filled and fed and maybe doing some filling and feeding... or something. In any case, I have to figure out how to make it through the winter without completely losing my marbles. Maybe a little over sharing will help...and maybe Wellbutrin will too. We shall see. I love you, little blog. Good night.