The 100 Curse

Well, September has flown by and I have a piddly little 57 blog posts for the year. My OCD has to have 100 again this year. Hoo-boy, it's going to be an interesting 3 months for all of us.

I have 66 days until my due date of December 5. (FYI, Ash). I don't have a countdown ticker because I think it would make the time go slower for me. I have been pregnant for eternity. I know everybody thinks that they have been pregnant for eternity, too- but I really have. So there. Lately I've been worrying that she is actually a he. Not that I wouldn't love a he, but we've been calling her Ava and have grown quite fond of the idea of another she-Rasmusson. I was looking at the ultrasound pics of the... ya know... and I have to say, I just don't see it. I'm no ultrasound technician, but these things have been wrong before *cough* Melinda! *cough cough*. Nils thinks I'm a kook. I think he's on to me.

Speaking of Nils, he is attending Photoshop World this week in Vegas. I'm thinking the kids and I might drive down on Friday and harass him until he comes home. Am I brave enough to drive 6 hours as the lone parent? More importantly, am I brave enough to wrangle the kids for two days in LAS VEGAS by my 7 month gestational self while the hubs is geekin' it up with Photoshop all weekend? Do you think he would drive home with us, even though he has a perfectly valid plane ticket home? These are questions I'm willing to get to the bottom of.

About oversharing

Nils was kind enough to make me a new blog header, and I thought the subtitle "A place for oversharing" was appropriate, since I tend to be a real oversharer.

I overshared big time yesterday in RS when the instructor asked me to share an experience. So I blabbed on and on, and the whole time the oversharing alarms were going off in my head, but I couldn't stop my mouth from moving. I didn't overshare anything that I haven't already here on the WORLD WIDE WEB, so I guess I figured what the hay! I've been spending a considerable amount of brain power wondering why. The only thing I can come up with is that I just don't care if people know certain things about me. Why I'm compelled to say things publicly, I know not. I just hope the impression I give isn't negative. I really don't want to be a bummer. I don't want my li'l blog to be a bummer, either.

So thanks for putting up with my soul-bearing. I appreciate it lots.

I got my craft on- sorta

Why does sewing fill me with rage? I took 3 years of sewing in high school, and by my senior year I thought it was something I actually enjoyed. In the 13 years since then, it's been confirmed again and again that I don't enjoy sewing- what I enjoyed was the socializing that took place in sewing class. That, and the fact that my teacher helped me fix all my mistakes.

With that brief history, we had Super Saturday last week. One of the projects were these cute li'l aprons, made from a dish towel and a small amount of fabric. I thought they looked simple enough that I could handle it, and perhaps even enjoy the process. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Simple- yes. Enjoyed the process- no.

Since cursing is generally frowned upon at church activities, I took my unfinished aprons home and wondered if they would ever get finished. The next day I took them to my mommy's house, and she pretty much took care of the rest. And my kids think I'm amazingly talented. Yep.

Oh sweet mother of pumpkin

Costco pumpkin muffin, I love you. My children love you. Thank you for existing and making the bittersweet transition from summer to fall a little easier for me. And thank you for your streuseley top, for I love it so.

The PJ

PJ= Pregnancy Journal, 29 weeks.

I went for a check-up today. At my appointment last month I realized I haven't even met 2 of the doctors in the clinic. I've had the same doc for all my pregnancies and he's delivered every time, which has been serendipitous. I thought I should meet at least one of the new guys, just in case. I did so today, and can I just say... he reminded me of a word that rhymes with backjass.
Very impersonal and rushed, and the only question he asked was, "what are you planning on using for birth control?" That's nice. Then he started talking about "getting fixed", as he so eloquently put it, and proceeded to educate me as to how it's permanent.

REALLY? I HAD NOT CONSIDERED THAT!

And that was the end of our time together.

I missed my regular doctor, the one I see at Hallmark and the gym. Tried and true. Sometimes annoying, but always willing to address my concerns, big or small. Last week after my little incident, I called the clinic to talk about going back on meds. He called later that night to see how things were going. I thought it was nice, since normally his nurse takes care of that stuff.

Have you ever been at a restaurant and decided it would be character building to order something different, so you do and then you end up puking all night and cursing the menu gods and wishing you had just ordered the regular old hamburger? Yeah. That's kinda like me and my obstetrician.

I just might be crazy

My debit card expired at the end of August and I forgot to replace it with the new one. The first time I realized this was when I was at the mall, 25 minutes away. I was buying a few maternity shirts, because the day before, every shirt I tried on had grease stains on the belly. Classy. 2 days later (Labor Day) I was at the grocery store and had forgotten it again. I left the groceries. I came home, almost despairing, so frustrated at myself. Nils went back and paid for the groceries, because I couldn't bring myself to do it. Later that afternoon, we went down to the Walmart, which to this day makes me nauseous, but that's besides the point. I think we were in the canned fruits and vegetable aisle, and I felt the crushing walls of depression closing in on me. In the times that I have felt this way, it's all I can do to remain upright. If you've ever felt this way, you can probably relate. It sucks. Nothing matters.

So, I thought: Crap. It's coming back. No, it IS back. And, this is a really inopportune time for me to have an emotional breakdown. Couldn't we have picked a different time, brain? Really?

The thing is, when I first acknowledged that I might be struggling with depression 2 years ago (which was Labor Day, weirdly enough), I knew there were some underlying issues that were at the root of it. I worked through those and felt better, and have been feeling great for a year and a half. When it happened again last week, I wondered what could have brought on another round. Soooooo, after two days of mulling, I think I started to understand.
Without getting into the nitty-gritty, here's the deal:

My husband is insanely busy. Job 1, job 2, starting a business, church calling, kids, crazy wife, etc. The weird thing is that all of these are good things- especially the crazy wife. She's amazing. Anyhoo, I've been trying really, really hard to suck it up. All of the things demanding his time are decisions we made together and are in our best interest for the long term. So, the trick is trying to figure out a way to maintain a balance between the two of us while all of this is going on. And, I think things were starting to get lopsided. I've learned, yet again, that sucking it up and not expressing frustrations is very, very bad for my mental health.

When I was pregnant with Anders we went to a childbirth class, and the instructor asked everyone what their coping methods were when they were under stress. Most people said things like "read the Bible" or "take a hot bath", and I said, "I complain about it until I can find a solution." During labor, I didn't read the Bible or take a hot bath. I complained until I got an epidural. It totally worked.

In this instance, trying to make sense of my feelings and expressing them proved to be what I needed. I feel much better, and for that I'm very grateful. In life, there are things we just have to embrace. I've embraced the fact that my hair will always curl. I'm not crafty and I've embraced it. My need for cake will always trump my need for six-pack abs- embraced! I need to embrace my need to whine, and not feel bad about it.

I guess in order to preserve my emotional stability, I can't be a quietly supportive wife. I can, however, be a wife who supports her husband but gripes about it at the same time. Whenever I try to fill that "never complaining, always supportive" role, I lose my mind little by little, until one day forgetting my debit card almost throws me over the edge; but it's the Walmart that actually does.

5K for a Great Cause

Alright, my 5K friends.... you know who you are! Maybe you've seen this McKenna Can button floating around blogs and Facebook. McKenna is a sweet girl in our neighborhood who is fighting leukemia for the second time. There are several fundraisers being organized for her and her family, but I thought I'd make particular note of the 5K. It's happening Saturday, October 10 at 10 a.m. here in Harvest Hills. Click on the button for more info. Click here to register or donate!

I'm planning on waddling as far as I can.