In My Head

I have a lot going on in my head. Not necessarily in my life, but in my head. There are a lot of good things going on right now, and there are also a lot of difficulties. I'm having a hard time making sense of it all. Therefore, this will probably make no sense to anyone else. Not that anyone else will ever see this. Maybe Nils will take a gander, but probably not. This has been a really hard month. I have been sick for most of June and so has Addie. Just the mere fact that I haven't felt well for a month really compounds the trials of life, I think. Our money situation has been a complete disaster, and we haven't been able to figure it out. I finally sat down a couple of Saturdays ago and went over every penny we spend, at what time in the month it is spent, and how we can fix it. I thought I had it all figured out. Yesterday Nils got paid (5 days late, thank you very much) and 300 dollars was missing. It turns out that our credit union, which we are normally in love with, screwed up our car payment and took it out twice last month, and they took out another half of it yesterday. Huh? I'm all for paying bills off early, but when you can't feed your children... VERY frustrating. I called them and they fixed it, but I was a little irritated. Hopefully this month everything will be taken out at the correct time and the correct amount will be withdrawn. I'm starting to see some set backs of having everything withdrawn automatically. I feel really out of control. It's super depressing when the paycheck is deposited and literally the same day, 3/4 of it is gone. Even our tithing is automatically withdrawn, so there's little satisfaction in not writing the check and handing it to the bishop. I suppose it's better than forgetting for 5 months and then having to write a check for $900, though. We had to set everything up to be automatic, because when I had babies my brain fell out too, and I forget to pay bills.
Speaking of babies, Anders was quite difficult this evening. I won't get into it because it's boring and I don't even want to re-live it, but he cried and screamed from about 5:00-9:00. It was wonderful. It's times like this that I feel inadequate as a mother. Does anyone else feel this way, I wonder? How is it possible that this little boy who I'm completely in love with can drive me insane at the same time? I really want him to be happy. I want him to know how much he's loved. It's difficult to convey that when he screams for 4 hours. When I put him to bed I was pretty frustrated, but I read him a story and told him that I loved him. He threw his binky on the floor and then cried about it. Ahhh, motherhood.
On Monday Nils and I went to Lagoon by ourselves. It was really fun. The 4th of July is the best day of the year to go to Lagoon, but don't tell anybody. It's not crowded at all because people are busy doing other things. We didn't wait long at all for any rides. We got there about noon, and by 4:30 we had done everything we wanted to do and went home. We both got fried.
I have been busy lately trying to book Pampered Chef parties. I feel like a big loser for doing this, but I'm getting pretty excited. I've got 3 booked for July, and one for August so far. My friend Beverly told me she would also do one in August, so I'm stoked about that. I'm really excited to get free stuff. I think I'm more excited about that than getting a paycheck. I really like all of my Pampered Chef stuff, so I don't think it will be a hard sell. I think it's also really good for my mental state. It gives me something to think about besides nap time and poo, and it's challenging me to step out of my comfort zone. And, I'm really all about the free stuff.
Well, I guess I should fold laundry now. My favorite.